The Insider’s Report: Spring Flinging

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Ok, I’m not a fan of spring cleaning. I’m the sort of person who throws useless, broken or no longer fits items away throughout the year. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me to leave items in drawers and closets or on bookshelves that are no longer being used. I mean, if we were meant to only clean stuff out in the spring, Good Will wouldn’t be open year round. So, just as a matter of practicality I never did spring cleaning, never even considered it…until I got married.

The first few years of our relationship, spring cleaning was s a cute way for Jenn and I to spend a quality weekend together, going through our dresser drawers, closets, and rearranging the kitchen cabinets. We did all of the mundane activities that were sweet reminders that we were married, had combined our stuff, had purchased new stuff together and we made fun of each others old stuff before we were ever together. We would joke about what bad taste the other one had before we were a “we”. We would laugh about how our asses are getting bigger and the skinny jeans had to go in the charity bin for some other skinny bitch. It was a sweet, legitimate activity that involved Pine Sol, Windex and trash bags. I’m not sure which ingredient that is in household cleaners that acts as an aphrodisiac but every year our spring cleaning seems to turn into spring flinging.

So you can only imagine my excitement when my lovely lady announced to me that spring cleaning would commence on a designated Saturday. In preparation for the annual flinging…I mean cleaning, I went to the store and bought extra large trash bags, new ceiling fan dusters and a fresh new bottle of Windex. This year to spice it up a little, I also invested in one of those Swiffer mops. I thought there may be some extra magic in those to help me get luckier quicker before I actually had to do too much work.

Well my packers and poodles, while in the years past Jenn and I had taken cleaning to a new level, this year was a whole different story. Without indulging too much information and getting you guys hung-up on choosing a side over who was right and who was wrong, let’s just say that we had an argument the Friday night before the cleaning was to take place. Now in case you are thinking of implementing this spring cleaning event into your own households, let me give you fair warning. DO NOT EVER let your woman go through your things when she is mad at you. Now I’m not saying that I didn’t deserve for her to be mad at me, but no packer deserves to watch her t-shirt collection be rifled through by a mad woman. The first to go was my AC/DC concert tee from 1984. The next to go was a classic that just had a picture of a hand giving the finger. And even though that shirt had gotten me into several bar fights in the past, it was still a collector’s item and nowadays made a great lawn mowing shirt.

After the dresser drawers she moved to my closet. This is where things got ugly. She went straight for my lucky leather jacket. As she through it down the stairs she was yelling the names of all the girls that she just knew I had seduced wearing that jacket. Now I couldn’t deny it because she indeed was on that list but I only left it hanging in the closet like sports people put their trophies on shelves. Next was my cowboy boots…again women’s names were spewed. From the jewelry box went the thumb rings…women’s names spewed. From the bathroom went the fragrances…women’s names spewed. From the video collection went the porn…women’s names spewed. From the bookshelf went the porn…women’s names spewed. From the magazine rack went the porn…women’s names spewed. You see where I’m going with this? Anything that your poodle finds hot and sexy is the first to go when she is mad at you. So you can do one of three things:

  1. Don’t ever implement Spring Cleaning (Although the flinging makes it worth it)
  2. Always keep your favorite things out of sight (Although the porn is better shared)
  3. Never make her angry (Although the feisty ones are hot)

And wouldn’t you know it, make-up flinging is just as good as Spring Flinging! Hey when life gives you lemons…

Live and Love Equally…and be thankful that spring only comes once a year!