The art of the “Toast”

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I thought I’d take a break from my normal hack, partly to give my liver a rest, but mostly to give you all a good chuckle by providing some great toasts to proclaim as you enjoy libations with others. After all, one needs a good ruse to ensure repeat invites to parties. Plus, the opportunity to toast at holiday gatherings is coming faster than a Brittany Spears annulment.According to my not overly in-depth research, the word “toast” is derived from the Roman custom of adding a dollop of burnt bread to cheap wine before drinking an offering to the emperor, which was required by law. The bread was to absorb bad tasting contaminants apparently, and those that enjoy wine in a box might want to consider this trick.

Of course you know popular multi-language toasts such as: Bottoms up, Cheers, Salut, L’Chayim, Skal, Prosit and A votre sante, but let’s look at some of the world’s more cheeky sayings.

Two of America’s greatest humorists leave us with thought provoking prose:|

I love to drink martinis.
Two at the very most.
Three I’m under the table.
Four I’m under the host!

—Dorothy Parker

Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

—W.C. Fields

Even the Bible gets in on the act:

Eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart.

—Ecclesiastes 9:10

Of course, leave it to the Brits and the Irish to give us some of the spiciest toasts in the world:

Here’s to the perfect girl,
I couldn’t ask for more.
She’s deaf n’ dumb, oversexed,
and owns a liquor store.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends:
May they never meet!

Here’s to Hell!
May we have as good a time there as we had getting there!

Best while you have it use your breath
There is no drinking after death.

May you be in heaven a half hour
before the devil knows you’re dead.

There are only two kinds of people in the world, The Irish
And those who wish they were.

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let’s all get drunk, and go to heaven!

Here’s a few notable mentions:

May your liquor be cold,
May your women be hot.
And may your troubles slide off of you
slicker than snot.

A Merry Christmas this December
To a lot of folks I don’t remember.

Here’s to all of the women who have used me and abused me…
And may they continue to do so!

As you slide down the banister of life,
May the splinters never point the wrong way.

And my all time favorite:

Here’s to sleep that subtle repose
Belly to belly nose to nose
And when it ceases to the light
It’s ass to ass for the rest of the night

Now, I do recommend that you employ some caution before blurting out a toast. Believe it or not, there are actually people in the world who have no sense of humor or who are looking for ways for you to “offend” them. However, if using any of the above doesn’t improve your social standing nor draw peals of laughter, you are hanging out with stiffies and need a new crowd. Here’s to you mates!