NASHVILLE recap: “Road Happy”

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Juliette is wearing some serious Spanx to hide her baby bump out on the road. Zoey finds out, so Juliette threatens her livelihood if the secret gets out. There’s that bitchy Ju Ju we know and love. Later, via Skype, Gunnar tells Zoey he is going to meet up with his old flame, Kylie. You know, his first love ever? Let’s just start calling her “Distraction from Scarlett #2.”

Zoey pretends not to care about Gunnar hanging out with Distraction from Scarlett #2.

Sadie is doing her first arena show in Austin and even though Rayna can barely schedule a Ruke-shaped Brazilian appointment, she somehow manages to be there for it. Sadie calls Rayna a “badass” for arranging a publicity thingamajig. I’ve seen bigger badasses at the dog groomer. She’d have a lot more street cred if she’d drop Luke. And Ruke.

Deacon is still on tour with Luke and Will and that saucy sauce bottle backup singer, Pam. He jumps Will’s ass (I paint a picture, right?) for kissing Luke’s ass. Jeff, the big record label honcho, is out on the tour with the guys and pressuring Luke for new music, pointing out that his opening act has current hits and he doesn’t. BURN! We next find Jeff the jackal making Will and his personal trainer sign a non-disclosure agreement because he knows Will is gay and has been playing hide the pickle with said trainer. Jeff really is that creepy guy lurking in the shadows.

Juliette is still being pressured to tell Avery about Avery Jr. and she alerts him to impending fatherhood in the classiest fashion possible: via text. How appropriate that Avery gets the text while doing community service, picking up trash on the highway, thanks to his little stint in the clink. When Avery tries to respond, he gets busted by his po po overseer and is told to put the phone away.

Back on the tri-hottie tour with Luke, Will and Deacon: Will asks Luke about nondisclosure agreements. Luke responds with “If you’re asking me how to get away with screwing around on your wife, I can’t help you” (… barf …) and then reassures him its standard practice and he uses them with his own staff.

Luke then flies off to Nashville to pick up one of his kids, his son, who is almost as big a jerk as his dad, a teenaged version. He also picks up Maddie and Daphne to bring the new Brady Bunch back on tour with him where Rayna will also be hanging out. Daphne soon learns mommy doesn’t have time for her on the road and delivers the line of the night, telling her “You suck.” Daphne is my new favorite person ever.

Scarlett continues to work as a songwriter writing pity-party songs. Her next big hit should be something like “I miss Krispy Kreme.” And now I want a Krispy Kreme.

Through the open window, a homeless man is yelling and interrupting her concentration. And holy cow, ya’ll. It’s Bubba from Forrest Gump! (Mykelti Williamson). He’s yelling something about pizza pies. Scarlett should be on that like spicy on a hot chicken drumstick; instead, she takes him down a sandwich. Bubba’s name is Terry and he’s been listening to her singing and songwriting all week and when he sings her song back to her, he adds a twist to it that makes it, well … better.

Creepy Jeff is still trying to woo Maddie and Daphne to his label by kissing their daddy Teddy’s ass. Jeff takes Teddy to an industry party and hot chicks start kissing his ass. Ho hum. This is all just boilerplate stuff that’ll get us to a big Rayna/Jeff showdown at some point. In the interim, this storyline is like watching paint dry on a cow’s ass.

Gunnar heads over to the Hermitage Café for his rendezvous with Kylie. She mentions she met a guy online from Tulsa who works on an oil rig and she is thinking about moving there. (Sidenote: I have lived in Tulsa. Loved it. Full of hotties.) Suddenly, her kid appears and Kylie looks VERY nervous. The son is a strapping young boy named Mika. YES. OKAY. WE GET IT. Gunnar could be the baby daddy. This show is pulling out more baby mama drama than Maury Povich.

Gunnar bonds with the kid and we immediately learn they have similar tastes and habits. Really? How desperate can the writers be with this plotline? At least make him a whiney pre-teen who smokes pot behind the Batman building and pierced his own tongue. But don’t worry, my lovelies. Kylie immediately lets him know the kid isn’t his. Whatevs.

On the movie set, we find out Juliette has a nude scene with that cute Derek Hough (a/k/a Noah), and Avery has been trying to call her but she won’t answer her phone. So he moseys over to the movie set to confront her and somehow ends up at the door of her trailer. Security is lax on Nashville movie sets apparently. Please remind me of that the next time Chris Pine shoots a film in Music City.

So Avery starts yelling outside the trailer about Juliette being knocked up and Noah hears him. Glenn with the toupee rushes outside to shut him up and confirms Avery is indeed the baby daddy, but not before shaming him for being a stinking drunk and telling him to get lost. When it’s time to film the nude scene, Noah suggests they film Juliette in a manner that will shield the baby bump but HAVE MERCY before any of that happens he takes off his shirt and leans back on the bed and I had to rewind it like three times. Okay, twelve. He then tells her “Your secret is safe with me.” He later shows up on her tour to surprise her, which means I’m now Team Noah!

Deacon sees Pam’s Twitter feed and immediately spots the family pic of Rayna, Luke, Maddie, Daphne and that moody little Luke Jr that daddy Luke tweeted out calling them his “beautiful family.” Instead of talking about his issues, he storms out and admits he wants to brood all day about it. At least the stud is honest about his assholery.

Show of hands of who’s missed Will’s beard? Okay. Just me then…

Layla is in the recording studio with the reality crew on hand to catch all of the inaction. It begins to become obvious she has a thingity for her producer, and he for her. Best part? He has a beard. OH THE IRONY!! Jeff calls her out on the flirting and then further insults her songwriting ability. Those two are two peas in a bitchy pod.

Back on the tour, Will presents the non-compete to his personal trainer and explains that their relationship is only physical and that he doesn’t want a romance. Deacon spots the end of their argument when the gym rat storms off. So now Deacon has suspicions. And Will … well, he just can’t win, can he?

Instead of drinking his sorrows at the hotel bar, he heads to a park for a random hookup – because he thinks it’s 1967? Because he doesn’t know how to find Grindr? Because the Nashville writers thought two smartphone-based plot developments would be too much? – and he’s immediately jumped, beaten, and mugged by a bunch of asshats who assume all the boys looking for love in the park are carrying a wad of cash. A wad …

… of cash.

Deacon sees Will get out of a cab in front of the hotel looking like a human pop knot and goes to his room to check on him. He tries to get Will to see a doctor and in a roundabout way explains he knows Will is gay. Later, Deacon says he will keep Will’s secret and offers to be an ear if he ever needs to talk. Dammit, now I am back on Team Deacon!

While trying to write songs, Layla – Will’s beard – loses her mind (again) and returns to hipster beard status by contemplating suicide and breaking a mirror. Now, all she needs is a home in East Nasty and a wardrobe from Southern Thrift.

Avery seeks out advice from Gunnar about what to do about his baby mama issues, which is ironic because the episode ends with Kylie admitting to Gunnar that her kid is his. This happens right before Juliette has a breakdown in the middle of her concert and Zoey steps up from behind her backup singer microphone stand and takes center stage to finish the number.

Noah rushes to Juliette’s side backstage just in time for her to witness Zoey killing it under the spotlight. That look on Juliette’s face, though, right before she passes out. Looked like her eyes were doing some killing of their own.

 

 

See also:

NASHVILLE recap: "I Feel Sorry for Me" (season 3 episode 4)

NASHVILLE recap: "Road Happy" (season 3 episode 5)

NASHVILLE recap: "Nobody Said It Was Going to Be Easy" (season 3 episode 6)