Let me begin by saying how heartbroken I was to hear that ABC had canceled our lovely show. However, my insider pals tell me that Nashville’s production company is currently shopping the fifth season to other networks and outlets, so hope is not lost for another season of this show. Fingers, toes and boobs crossed, ya’ll! This ain’t over yet!
Now, on with the show…
We first find Puke making an appearance on a show ABC does need to cancel, The View. Whoopi, Joyce, Raven and the other lady (who thankfully isn’t that hateful cow, Candace Cameron Bure), all want to know why Will isn’t speaking out publicly in favor of a mainstream gay country artist like Luke has been doing. After the appearance, he calls Will and stresses the need for Wilma to get his cute, gay ass in media interviews. As Puke is prepping Will for media, he gets a call that Colt (Puke, Junior) was in an accident at Ft. Benning. So, he takes off for Georgia, leaving Will to handle interviews on his own.
Noah has decided to hang out in Nashville with Juliette and she is already bored with him. Just look at him, dummy. You don’t have to listen to him. Anyway, he is cooking away in her kitchen when Avery arrives to drop off their spawn. And of course, Avery is all jealous when he sees Juliette introduce the baby to Noah. To be honest, ya’ll, this is part of the reason the show was canceled. It’s these stereotypical “meant to be” couples and writers finding ways to keep them apart. Television in 2016 must be inventive and this has all been done before.
In marriage counseling, Rayna and Deacon are having it out and Rayna points out that Deacon has a pattern of making the same mistakes over and over again. The shrink seems to think they have issues that run a little deeper. When it’s one on one with Rayna and the therapist, she describes how she and Deacon always find a way back to one another. We get it. You were meant to be, Rayna. You still can’t ruin my Deacon day dreams and night dreams and afternoon snack dreams etc…
Skinny is zipping off to Chicago to shoot a headphones ad, so Autumn scoops up Gunnar and whisks him off to Boston to see her buddy, Elton John, play a show. On the way to see EJ, Autumn keeps spinning her web, trying to seduce Gunnar.
In Deacon’s session with the shrink, he admits that Rayna is everything to him. Life has no meaning without her and if he were to lose her again, he would just wait. When the therapist gets them back together again, he tells Deacon to deal with his crippling guilt and Rayna needs to cope with finding ways to forgive. He wants them to both figure out what they are getting out of the relationship. Well, me personally… I’m getting my kicks by pausing the TV on Deacon’s cute, pouty face.
At Will’s interview, radio veteran Blair Garner makes a guest appearance as the disc jockey talking to Will on the air. It goes well when talk begins about the music, but it immediately turns to Will’s homosexuality and it makes him uncomfortable. When he gets home, a guy is waiting in front of his house to talk to him. At first, Will thinks it’s a homophobe, but it turns out to be another gay man thanking Will for speaking out. “Hearing you stand up and speak your truth, it gave me the confidence to know I could do it, too. You let me know there was nothing wrong with me and that I wasn’t alone.”
At the Ft. Benning hospital, it seems Colt has a concussion, broken arm and lots of stitches because of what Luke has been saying in the press in support of LGBTQ people. Some of Colt’s fellow recruits jumped him and beat him up. Colt’s grandpa tells Puke “This happened because of you.” Seriously, how many bigoted old men does this show need?
The photographer for Scarlett’s shoot is a tough cookie and even though Scarlett is supposed to be exhibiting joy while her music is playing, she is faking it worse than her accent. So, photographer lady clears the room and has a little chat with Sherpa Boo Boo, telling her “Perhaps now you can stop hiding.” #TEAMPHOTOGRAPHERLADY
Gunnar is in heaven because when he meets Elton John, it turns out that Elton has heard some of his music and wants Gunn Gunn to perform with him. They do Elton’s new song “Blue Wonderful” and, of course, they both perform beautifully, with that evil skank Autumn looking on from backstage. After the performance, Autumn reiterates how Gunnar has the talent to be a superstar all on his own. And then she hits on him. Again. Seriously, this chick is so gross, I’ll bet she smells like the Cumberland River after a heat wave.
In the hospital break room grandpa starts in with Luke, asking why he’s always hurting his son. Grandpa Stupid Face points out that Puke was too busy defending Will while Colt was in the Army getting beat up. So, umm, gramps… why doesn’t the Army protect Colt? It seems he’s the victim of a hate crime.
At Layla’s big album release party at the Bluebird, Avery tells our favorite Victim about Noah being at Juliette’s house when he dropped off the kid. Avery texts Juliette right before going on stage with Victim to ask how things are going and he is very distracted by his phone, looking for Juliette’s reply as he performs. Juliette tries to call him because Cadence is teething and she won’t take the frozen baby ring from the freezer. But, in walks Noah with a wooden spoon for the kiddo. It was a trick he learned when his niece was teething and the baby stops crying. Noah, you are giving Deacon a run for his money in the hottest guy on Nashville contest. By the way, there is a swimsuit competition. Anyway, when Avery does call Juliette back, she tells him Noah saved the day and Avery is green with envy.
When Rayna and Deacon get home, Deacon decides that he is done being a screw up and neither of them are sure if Deacon should leave. Later, Deacon finds her laying on Maddie’s bed. They both agree they want their teenage mess back. Damnit- and this episode was going so well without even a mention of Maddie!
In the hospital, Puke, Junior is awake and he tells Grandpa Stupid Face and Luke that he threw the first punch in the fight with the homophobes. He tells Puke that it isn’t his fault and that he was defending his dad when he got into the fight in the first place. “I’m proud of you, dad,” Colt tells him.
That Rush Limbaugh think alike, Cynthia Davis, is back on TV saying that Will is spineless because he isn’t defending himself or Puke to the media- and she calls him a coward. She says the gay community should do this country a favor and disappear. I think she should do me a favor and get bent.
Now that they are alone, the photographer tells Scarlett to be in the moment and just hear her music. Her reaction isn’t joy, but it’s heartbreak as she starts flashing back to all of her important moments with Gunnar. As she starts to cry, photographer lady asks her what she is so afraid of. My guess? Food.
After Victim’s performance, Glenn is thrilled because radio is thrilled. But, Layla isn’t thrilled because Avery wants to go check on Cadence before they hit the town to celebrate. Instead of telling Avery how she really feels, she blames it on Rayna, who wasn’t able to make the performance for obvious reasons. Victim goes all victimy and recalls all of the times Rayna has blown her off. Victim’s victim-complaining works and Avery skips the baby checking to paint the town red (or should I say green?) with her.
Scarlett’s manager later finds her still in tears after the photo ad shoot and she admits to him that she is in love with Gunnar. Well, look who became Captain Obvious all of the sudden, Scrawny? Anyway, we next see Gunnar and Autumn tearing off one another’s clothes in her hotel room, getting it on. Damnit, Nashville! I have asked you to warn me when I will need a barf bag!
Speaking of bumping uglies, Juliette and Noah’s pillow talk turns to her dumping him. She says he isn’t what she needs right now, further proving my theory that Juliette is batshit crazy.
Back at the hospital, Colt and his pops are getting along swimmingly when Wilma calls Puke. He says he is ready to go on Cynthia Davis’s show and take her on face to face. #TEAMWILMA
Well, my lovies, I truly hope next week isn’t our last hurrah, even though ABC is billing it as the series finale.
I will give them points if they bring Creepy back as a ghost determined to haunt Scarlett for absolutely no reason whatsoever. #FAKENASHVILLEGOALS
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