For The Girls

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Who doesn’t love Valentine’s Day when you’re in a committed relationship? I mean, it is a guaranteed sex night if you play it right. And playing it right usually means a gift. Sometimes it is a meaningful gift, sometimes it is pure bling, and sometimes it is a mood gift. I’ve done them all, and they all work in their own ways at the right time. But this year ya’ll, I’m stuck. My beautiful wife does not wish for meaning, bling or mood. Nope, not this year; this year she wants technology.

I’m not against technology. I’ve gone into the tech world kicking and screaming and I get it. I have a Blackberry; I have a laptop; I Google daily…I even have a MySpace page. But I’m no idiot. The more technology your woman has, the more ways she has to get in touch with you. Now I’m not talking about an emergency number or “I’m just letting you know where I am” number.  I mean keeping in touch with you anywhere at any time.

Where I grew up and first started dating, we had party lines. Which meant that at anytime somebody on our street was on the phone, anybody could pick up their phone and hear the conversation of the other person. So, the very first girlfriend I ever had was outed by Mrs. Bistricky down the street because she was ease dropping on our sixth grade conversation. When the private phone lines came around, I got my first taste of how technology could improve my life. I thought that was the best it could be. I could say “kissy kissy,” and “no, I love you more…no me…no I love you infinity…” to my eighth grade girlfriend in complete privacy. 

Then came two-way calling.  And WOW…technology rocked. I could talk to one girl, put her on hold and make a date with another girl at the same time. Then there was three-way calling, and then the conference call. As far as I could tell, back in those days technology was something that should always be improved upon because it just kept getting better and faster and easier for women to get in touch with you.

But three-way calling is where my love affair with technology ended, because what came next was a trick; it was a rouse, an evil little game wrapped in technological advancement.  It was so cunning that it even had a cute little name that tricked you into buying it…the beeper! 

The beeper is where my love for technology stopped. Beepers, pagers, what ever you want to call the little, black, vibrating, beeping bastard box from Satan. It damn near ruined my life. 

That technology happened to come around at my peak of dating. I was young, hot and free without reservation, exploring sexual positions, women and bars when it all came to a screeching halt. And it was all blamed on a beeper. 

I thought I was hot stuff walking around with that status symbol on the belt of my Levi’s giving out the number to the ladies. But here’s the thing…if you give your number to a poodle who’s world you just rocked in the hatch back of a 1984 Mustang, she’s gonna burn your beeper up. Now imagine that experience times the thirty-seven women who have your beeper number. Now that will literally burn your pager up, which wouldn’t be bad if your girlfriend at the time didn’t think she was the only girl who had your beeper number. 

Yep, when all of that hits the technological fan, you’re mad as hell. You get home and your clothes are on the street; your dog is tied to the front porch for you to take, and you have been technologically evicted by your girlfriend. When you have that happen to you once, your love affair with technology ends.

So you can understand my hesitancy with my wife’s Valentines gift this year. I’m not saying she doesn’t already know where I am every day (all day), but there is a twinge in the pit of your stomach that never goes away once you’ve seen your damn dog tied to a porch all because a beeper went off twelve times in one hour and your girlfriend called all twelve different girls who had beeped it. Only then does she figure out the twelve different times you had lied to her and your life (alongside of your evicted dog) took a turn. It’s truly hard to not have post beeper stress syndrome.

But hey, I love my wife and it’s a new day of technology. It’s a new day of committed relationship, and it’s a new dog. I will get my wife the new iPhone. Besides, I hear you can upload videos to it. I guess I will give technology another chance…besides, who wouldn’t want a phone that you can watch porn on?

Happy Valentine’s Day…Live And Love Equally!