Clearing the online clutter, one leprechaun at a time

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I am a soft-hearted person, sensitive to the needs of all who want to learn more about me with the click of a mouse.  That’s how I let my friends talk me into joining MySpace.

I abandoned phone calls, text messages and an old-fashioned email in order to seem ‘cutting edge’ and to be able to honestly say, "Yea, find me on myspace. Let’s hook up there."

I used MySpace for years and was proud.  Sure, I didn’t know how to upload pictures or create really cool backgrounds, but I could handle updating my status and answering mail, and I thought that was enough. It was a great speed for me, the MySpace.

I could respond to the occasional message at my own leisure with little or no pressure and easily satisfy my voyeuristic inclinations if I got a hankering to look at pictures on someone’s profile without them knowing. But just as I had gotten the hang of it, MySpace got complicated.  Event invitations started pouring in and requests to collect hearts, and roses, and hugs. Then came something called Mobsters and Mafia Wars. It was like The Godfather had claimed MySpace as his territory.

That was about the time when friends started saying “You have to do Facebook. It is so much better than MySpace”.  So, I joined Facebook… and I friggin’ loathe it!

I hate the way it looks. I hate that I have a “wall” and that people can graffiti it or scribble dirty things there like its a gas station bathroom. Half the time they write half sentences and incomplete thoughts so I don’t really know what anybody is talking about.  And then there are the constant status updates.

Sure if you have something witty to say by all means update your status and let us know. But, if you are sitting on your fat ass eating cheetos, don’t do it.  I don’t update my status because it would always say "Christy is at work," because I am a productive member of society.

And these quizzes! They’re asinine. I don’t care what kind of font I am or what my Cajun name is.  I know as much about myself as I need to know and I’ll be all the fonts I want to be. I refuse to be limited by some Facebook quiz.

Now, instead of sending me messages or emails, people send me drinks, flowers, and leprechauns on Facebook. I like my drinks in a bottle, I’m allergic to flowers, and I have an unhealthy fear of little people.  Yep, bitter.

Now, we’ve got Twitter. I thought I could handle Twitter. Just answer one question over and over. "What are you doing?"

There is no way for people to send me tokens of their affection.  There are no quizzes, mafias or comments.  Just that one simple question, once a day, and no obligation to be witty.  With Twitter, it just didn’t matter.

But nothing good ever lasts. I was so confident that Twitter was the form of communication for me that I put it on my phone to track it. But now I get advertisements on my phone, requests to come audition for sports teams, invites to barbeques. People are abusing the system and no longer answering the question.They are snubbing the simple Twitter rule.

My friends are constantly telling me where they are, what they are doing, and wanting me to join them on a moment’s notice. And everybody knows that I have Twitter on my phone so it’s not like I can say, “Oh I didn’t get your tweet.”

It’s too much! I’ve decided to regress to a simple, unadulterated email.  I invite my true peeps to simplify and meet me on my level.

Live and Love Equally!